I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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