Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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