Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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