I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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