i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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