im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
His hands were made for my vagina.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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