you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
