so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
