my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
