my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
