Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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