My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
