The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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