Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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