Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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