well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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