I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
