"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
