So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
