Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
