Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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