The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
