I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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