I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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