he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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