i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
