Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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