I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
