VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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