dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
