corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
