i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Let's get the cat blown out
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
