there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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