I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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