it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
