Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
