I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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