Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
