I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Last time i carry you out of a forest
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
