New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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