Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
