How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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