new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
