What did we do last night that was yellow?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
