I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
