and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
