Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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