Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
