you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
