She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
