I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
is wine microwaveable?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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