I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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