I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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