He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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