I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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