Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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