Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
