The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
