Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
