well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
